I just switched over to the new blogger format and I think the feed rebooted itself -- so if you just got slammed by that, I sincerely apologize.

Bald eagles up your ass?

Pardon the extra long vacation, I kind of passed out yesteray before the show. Whoops. That ridiculously amazing green screen video totally makes up for it, however. Fine piece of work, there.

Do you work for Stephen Colbert? Do you get headaches? He doesn't care. The Word tonight: a phrase! Missed opportunities. Missed opportunities like fun and exciting drinking games. For the record, at some point, at some time, someone might want to kill you, or someone you possibly know. Whoops! Stephen propses a pre-election Monsters of Terror petting zoo, complete with commie pinko Dixie Chicks playing music.

Stephen loves the beach! He's got sand in his pants right now. Hot stuff. Tonight Stephen is discussing New Jersey's third district, where my family doesn't live. They have Republicans in New Jersey? Maybe my family does live there. Saxton, or Sexton, or whichever one is not currently in office, doesn't want to have a beer at this hour. Stephen does! They practice concession speeches, and Saxton/Sexton/Mr. Cadmium McGoldenpants discovers he needs to learn to project a little bit.

Tonight's guest: Toby Keith. What the shit? If Stephen Colbert wants country stations he can come down here. But keep in mind we don't have any good country stations down here, either. Toby Keith sings country and western about fucking those goddamn terrorists right up. He's also a sheep, apparently. Kudos to you, Toby Keith! I find it amusing, but probably for entirely different reasons. He's in movies? What? The conversations moves to Burt Reynolds, as it should. And, all in all, that's about it.

So that's all you need to know!

It's crumbelievable, bitch!

What a touching tribute! That he shares with everyone else. We'll definitely miss him here at 2Most 2Trusted, even if this is a completely different show. More green screen shows! If only I could do computer graphics!

What, taking time off? That's actually a ridiculously good plan! I actually have ways to keep blogging! Hell yeah! Stephen has a problem with peaches, and Georgia, which is not the peach state. I live near the peach county, bitches. Clanton, Alabama! We've got a peach shape too! Just come here, Stephen. No, seriously. I'm feeling very personally insulted right now for no rational reason.

Aw, the President is so charming. Just like Clinton, except more laughs. Whoops! Plus Stephen thinks you should read some burning liberal claptrap (or rather, The Autobiography of Kola Boof). Amusingly enough, I felt the same way about Stephen! Except he's shorter! And paler! But has nice hands!

Tonight's Word: Bad boys! Ask Geraldo's five wives. Be a bastard, and girls will totally want to get all up on you. Alternately, be married! But if anyone starts talking about killing someone else's husband, keep in mind they're just not that fanatical about you.

Last week Stephen talked to Morgan Spurlock. Stephen's not a big fan of "learning," but the next episode has a normal carefree guy trading places with a Stephen Colbert audience member! Wicked awesome! I know that I'd be awesome at the blind sheep part! I hope this guy developed a healthy appreciation for Stephen Colbert, because I would want to do that. Oh would I want to do that. And it seems that Carl did! Aw! Today is day thirty, and apparently he got entirely too enthusiastic. That's crazy!

Tonight's guest, theoretical physicist Dr. Janna Levin, author of A Madman Dreams of Turning Machines. I enjoy theoretical physics, as long as it's in the form of that hardcore movie "What the F#!K Do We Know." There's a lot of talk about math, and the complete incomprehensibility of it all. Dr. Levin wants to reduce the universe to a mathematical sentance. I'm going to remind you that mathematical sentences are all the Devil's sentences too. Stephen nails the theoretical physicist, and the sum total of the interview is that everyone wants to know and nobody has any idea what's going on. Perhaps the universe is a rabbit. We discover the world is full of Turing machines, like Stephen Colbert! It's like the Matrix, in a way.

I'm off to go recruit someone to be my Soledad O'Brien. And that's all you need to know!

He's the melting pot of our Crumbelievables!

Sorry for the delay here, it was a very busy evening. Mostly with my work, and then sleeping. I really enjoy the sleeping.

Tonight we open on Stephen reading over his scrapbook of Cherished Childhood Memories. Isn't it adorable? I could probably remember more ad campaigns then childhood moments. Aw, HeadOn! Internet meme of the future. Perhaps like Cheese Crumbles. I shred my own cheese, dammit.

We discuss our own disintigrating Pop Culture in American Pop Culture: It's Crumbelievable! I don't know any of the dwarves, but I do know the Bradys! I'm working now to make Stephen Colbert an Internet Pop Culture Icon. And also, myself. And it's someone from OK Go, who I've only heard of in passing! Clearly I'm not hep to you kids' jive, as it were. Damian Kulash, aw. He is very adorable and charming though. And subversive. Who doesn't love wicked great backyard-filmed videos?

I don't ... have anyone to watch television with me at ten-thirty at night. I want a Lt. Barkers though. Who doesn't love a puppy? (No, seriously, he probably is having sex with Kim Delaney. Who isn't, on Lifetime?) Aww, poor lonely Billy. Maybe he shoul learn to take down zebras so he can save Sally from Lt. Barkers.

Tonight's guest is someone else I don't recognize at all, but anyone named Gideon Yago is pretty ace, and he probably feels the same way as most of the audience members. Stephen blames Gideon and his MTV thing for terrible pop culture. He Blamed America First, and used the phrase, what, "plug ourselves into the audience"? Please to be not channeling the old white guys, Gideon! You had so much going for you before then! The emo glasses! Serious journalism!

When the hell did MTV get all serious? How do they squeeze this stuff in between shows about high schools located forty-five minutes away from me? This is a ridiculously serious discussion about the state of journalism, and I use ridiculous as a modifier for the amount of serious, and not for the level of absurdity, as it's not especially absurd.

For the record, I believe Taylor Hicks is awesome. And, for more records, your new favorite film is Invincibles, your book is I Feel Bad About My Neck, and your new favorite song is the Stephen version of Jessica Simpson's A Public Affair.

And that's all you need to know!

We'll be right back! in 24 hours.

Stephen's day was okay, there was a lot of pondering of the futility of life since he didn't win a mathematics award. Damn those people giving stupid awards to Russian's and their ... proving rabbits are spheres. That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Stephen proves it is in fact possible to turn a doughnut into a sphere, and also breaks out the Dunkin' Donuts munchkins.

Apparently there's no peace in Lebanon! Stephen's just excited to break out the graphics again. Also what the hell, Jay-Z and the water crisis? Tonight's Word: 99 Problems. Is it going to explain how this works? No. Jay-Z is only in it for the bling, but maybe he'll encourage kids to start their own faux U.N. He's apparently in league with Bono and various other rock star slash philanthropists. We learn Stephen hasn't heard rap since 1992, and we are called on to make music artists acts like total dicks again. Go forth and provoke, Nation!

Stephen is seriously ahead in the polls for the Hungary bridge contest. Now you know, I almost feel sorry for them, but seriously kids, it's the internet. Who the hell doesn't expect something like this to happen? I have to say, though, it's better Stephen than Chuck Norris. However, he's called off the dogs. Stephen salutes Hungary, if only because they may name a bridge after him. Stephen prefers swine to sheep, and also enjoys the fact that it was settled by a King St. Stephen. Maybe they'll come to enjoy him too?

Tonight is part four of the five part "Better Nail A New York Times Columnist" series, and guest five is Paul Krugman. He is clearly very bewildered with Stephen's enthusiasm for greeting the audience. Politics is like a massive, FUBAR'd game of Seven Ways to Kevin Bacon. Dick Cheney is apparently a liar (what?) and we relive the arguments of yesteryear, war v. having Saddam in power. The linguist in me weeps for the lack of subtleties.

And that's all you need to know!

Except, I actually have a few notes which I'm sure most of you don't really care about. In the coming weeks, once all the Emmy hubbub has died down (this Sunday! Watch! Cheer! Be conflicted!) I'll have a few projects for the blog under my plate. Now I've tried to make it clear that I consider my work as a budding member of the blogosphere very important! I consider myself an intrepid servent of the people, working for your benefit for no pay at the expensive of my social life! Now there are some sites, which shall remain nameless, that are corporate shills stealing dignity from the little man, namely myself, and this is a matter I intend to rectify in the future. Also in the works, the start of my campaign to become Stephen Colbert's blogger friend!!

But don't think this will take away from the recaps, because believe me it won't! It will still be one girl's quest to be the best nerd she can be as she provides condensed written documentation of a half hour of television, just with further documentation.

And that is all you need to know.

Meeeeeeg! Someone get me another water!

Tonight! Superpowers in exchange for questionable lab practices! A guest talking about something I actually know about, and studied extensively in college in classes you don't give a damn about! Neck! Stephen is on a search for the best depiction of his hardcore awesome lightsaber battle. So submit yours now to the Colbert Nation website.

Since atheists are clearly the bravest of the lot, Stephen us gunning for a higher rate of atheist enlistment, and apparently I'm getting shipped out to Afghanistan pretty soon. I'm sorry!

... wow, that was a pretty sweet lightsaber video. Plus, Stephen Colbert dooms interns to a potentially painful death by poison, just as the government wants to do to prison inmates! Tonight's Word: Side Effects. The side effects may include the development of a moral code, insourcing. Stephen thinks Jesus would be okay with this, for the sake of the lepers. Think if it as a new form of behaviour correction. If you're poor, or old, maybe you should just commit a crime! It's free health care.

The Threatdown! Threats tonight include Jimmy Carter (and his son, supporter of hooker rationing), grass (no, just plain grass) with superpowers, orphans (diff'rent strokes!) and the danger of class differences, food (makes you fat and kills you when you multitask), and threat number one ... threats! Uh. As a plus, no snakes! The downside, people still hate the President. Whoops!

Tonight's guest, Dr. Geoffrey Numberg! Mm, linguists, and four cameras. I feel very lost and confused. Linguists study language. It's very fun and exciting. No, really, it is. We're going to abbreviate this title for the sake of my sanity: Talking Right. We're not all those things! For example, I own a PT Cruiser, and took out my earrings. I only had two. Statistically speaking, more Republicans enjoy cheese, and isn't it more important to accept our mutual love of cheese than to bicker over who's more likely to buy an Audi?

Wow, ways to diffuse an awkward silence! Did you know that in the nineties the higher ups of the Republican party used to distrubute memos of suggested vocabulary to use in stump speeches, debates, and every day political life? Now you do!

And now we get to go home, and take off our pants.

That's all you need to know!

Because you've got the this and then the thing down here.

Tonight: is Pluto a planet? The answer: yes. It was in the paper this morning. I hope I didn't spoil the surprise for you! Apparently someone else has ruined the illusion of Killer, Bobby, and Ric Ocasek going to save Stephen, Jr. Sadly, they had to bring Killer back early for the World War III graphics. Hopefully Bobby and Ric are doing okay in his absence.

Yeah, that's right, I did know he interviewed Tyson, and Stephen nailed him on the disinclusion of Pluto in the universe. That's right, he did call it, right after I called it in the previous paragraph. ... okay, maybe in the Tyson recap too. So nice of him to have Dr. Tyson back though! He bows to the master, and notes that we now have twelve planets. (Are you round? I'm round. I'm a planet!) Wow, what the hell, Charon's a planet now? That's crazy. OH SNAP. And it just got burned. Sirius ... don't we have a star named Sirius? Is that allowed? (Aw, no fat jokes, please.) They're really letting everything into the club nowadays.

Better Know A District! BKAD!Hollywood, California's fighting 31st. Stephen introduces himself, and they discuss Colin Farrell, who isn't really that hot, and then there's bad porn modeling, and TomKat can shove it. It doesn't look like the Congressman is a term over three. Stephen is trying very hard not to laugh at his own gang signs, and there's a serious discussion of the translation of famous paintings to Spanish. Can't we just stay homogenous forever?

It's Neil Young! A Canadian American icon on an American icon. It's an overdose of iconage! You know what you really need on a plane? Snakes. Young speaks with so much passion and hate and doves on his jacket. But he's rallied the AARP behind him, and I would tell you that's dangerous. Stephen believes the President's legacy spans about a year; Young feels differently. Being in a war is a good time to decide whether or not you want to be at war; I think that before the war would've been a good idea to put more thought into it, but hindsight is twenty-twenty. Stephen Colbert gets the charming gift of Presidential flipflops, and we're treated to a musical number! In which we're encouraged to impeach the President. Hey, Stephen seems pretty thrilled, and that's a cause I can get behind.

That's it for tonight, kids! Go see some snakes, go see some planes, and don't forget to share the pillows. And that's all you need to know!

Congratulation on your feverish womb!

Drew Barrymore has baby fever! Regular people don't get baby fever. Sometimes they just want to have kids. Baby fever is exciting for celebrities, babies with fevers, exciting with doctors.

Everyone knows Nedsama bin Lamont is still doing battle against Joe Lieberman, independant. The Republican candidate, whose name I don't actually know, is getting six percent, and has absolutely no back-up. You know why no one wants to support him? Because he was supporting Lieberman. Affectionately. Whoops! Okay, maybe it's also because he's a really bad gambler. Whoops!

President Bush's plan for post-Castro Cuba: Elian Gonzales! Day 2240.

La Palabra! With handy subtitles! Esteban suggests himself, with his amazing Spanglish skills, comparative youth and amazing mustache-growing skills, he's clearly the best candidate for the job. Plus, mambo! Also, marvel at his amazing ability to switch from a poor Spanish accent to a perfect standard American Midwestern! I for one am mostly in it for the ridiculously hot women. I mean, what? No.

Speaking of ridiculously hot, the total votes for the website has shot up to 400,000. Come on! Keep it up! We've overtaken Chuck Norris in the polls. You can find information from No Truth Zone there or at the Colbert Nation, currently down. (HAHA, bitches, that makes me the number one site right now! ... okay, technically I'm only number one on the right blog search, but still.)

Now the pressing issue of the day: World War II. Were the Germans really that bad? Since Germany gave us Scorpion and Olympic swimmers of questionable gender, along with the good James Bond, who tragically may have been a dentist if he wasn't a hardcore awesome spy.

Tonight's guest is Morgan Spurlock, who you may or may not have heard of, depending on how much you watch FX or despise McDonald's. Stephen, who prefers living his own life as opposed to the lives of others, thinks that getting to know people is outdated. We discover that prison isn't particularly happy, and discuss ways in which you can sneak things into prison. For the record, working for minimum wage is a bitch, especially when your state minimum wage sucks ass. And we learn about original Christmas stories! And a film about ... ways in which we live at Christmas. I'll tell you how I live: on minimum wage.

NASA lost footage of the moon landing. Since clearly they'll be needing to reshoot the footage, Stephen's volunteering Flagworth for the job. So much parental pride!

And that's all you need to know.

If you wave your hands you're a terrorist.

The Iranian president has been riding Stephen's coattails since February, Sean Hannity compares 60 Minutes reporter Mike Wallis to Hitler (or not, what?), and all in all, Stephen is not pleased with the 60 Minutes attempt at creating the Fourth Reich.

Tonight's Word: Dumb-ocracy. We have the option of every idiot voting, or voting for idiots. Stephen doesn't vote (okay, he can't) because he enjoys defying authority, even though as a truthiness extremist he's clearly the kind of guy the nation is looking for. He thinks we should keep paying the poor not to vote (but to continue to fight in our wars! Okay, maybe not paying for that).

We're still attempting to get the bridge named in Hungary. An actual Hungarian is now in first place, Chuck Norris has dropped down to fifth, and Colbert Nation fans everywhere have moved Stephen up to 1774 votes. Look, Stephen, we killed the server, but keep trying: www.m0hid.gov.hu/vote. Remember, it's Stephen with a ph. Already having carpal tunnel, I can say I don't have much to lose. Stephen already has Stephen, Jr., so we're going to go to www.saginawspirit.com and vote for Colbert or the Colbeagle.

It's All You Need to Know! But ... not mine. Just ... Stephen's. I should get a new tagline. Mexico is secretly electing George W. Bush, your very educated mother just said uhoh! no Pluto, thus eliminating it as a planet. Stephen demonstrates the correct way to use a condom, and gets popped right in the face. That's what you get, Stephen, for misguiding the youth of America with inappropriate balloon toys.

You can be a passionate moderate! No, really, you can. Tonight's guest is David Gregon, former advisor to multiple presidents, among other things. He actually makes a lot of good points, despite Stephen's insistence that these bootstraps aren't made for welfare. The point is: good presidents are not total asses. Strangely enough, the point about Nixon being the last liberal president was made on an earlier show. All in all, very interesting interview. Be moderate! Extremely passionately!

... and that's all you need to know. (For real.)